'da hate that hate made
Oh, so many things have been building up.
work:: along with the normal everyday stress of a high-pressure, salaried position, I've got this "high-priority/impact" project that I've been working on, and I haven't gotten a lot of help with it. To top if off, I got handed some additional responsibilities - no extra $$$, but 'that will come once I prove myself'. Ok, fine - but then my colleagues don't congratulate me when it's announced. No, they ignore it long enough for them to get together & discuss whether it's 'fair' (I got 'promoted' over someone who has more seniority than I), and whether it was because I'm cool with my boss & the person I'm succeeding (does that make me a kiss a$$? I think not...)
friends:: my friend, SG borrowed some $$$, and agreed to pay me back on day A. Day A passes, no word from SG. B & C go by, so I call SG: "I'm so sorry, I forgot - I'll drop it off on day D". I specifically ask SG if he just needs to hold onto the $$$ longer? "No, I got you, I'll be there day D. Day E, F G....hell we get to day P. I ask SG if he needs more time: "No, I'm sorry, I keep forgetting. Plus, it's hard for me to get to your crib" . So I tell SG to pay me through Paypal, & send him the link to pay me. Again, we go through day Q, R, S....all the way to day AA. No paypal notice. So I email SG, tell him I hadn't gotten anything from paypal either. To make this long story a lil shorter, I end up going over SG's house, to pick up a post-dated check for the $$$. It still hasn't cleared. On top of this, I get a declaration from SG: "I know what terms I can deal with you ....I know better than to borrow money...". No mutha- f%&%$, you know I ain't loaning you s$%^ else!
thechaos:: I love her, but the freshmen blues have begun,and I ain't feeling it! You know: stay up all night, don't study, grades drop, spend more time hanging than cleaning, you know the drill. You can't be grown when you feel like it (3am) and then a child again when you feel like it (when you need $$$, or don't feel like doing something)!!! I need to see some initiative! And you betta damn not get less than a B in Intro to Writing, or it is SO on!!!! $%^S
my dumba$$ ex:: yeah, I have an ex-fiance, who was abusive, physicallly, mentally & emotionally. why is this mutha-f%^&$ hittin on me???!!!!! to quote the ex: "You know I still love you, and if I could I'd be with you for the rest of our lives. I could make you so happy and I know we'd be happy together, but I know you'll never give me a chance.." You are f$%^*&^ right!!!! Yo a$$ is crazy - you kicked my a$$ on the reg, then slept with everything that moved (incl. your own first cousin in my f&*^%@#$ living room, but that's another blog), and tried to make it seem like it was my fault. Then, when I broke up with you, you tried to take my car & f^&% up my credit!!! We haven't been together for 7 years!!! You try to kick it with my friends! Last f%^&$#@ week!!! WTF?!!!!!!
misc rants:: bad drivers, my hour commute, classes that suck (Biz law shouldn't be e-z, but the prof is making it harder than it should be - any 20 pt quiz where the 'curve' is 5 pts: not right!), rude people, phony compliments from people (really, if you don't like my hair - don't say s$%^! better than lying about it), the damn beggars at my local gas station that never let the f%^& up - arrrggghhhh!!!!!!
There's been other stuff, but the point is: I ain't owning these issues!!!!! I internalize way too much anger!!!! While all these things do piss me off, I'm making it a point to stop giving a flying f$%^ what other folks think, and I'm not letting other people's negativity influence me. I've got issues, with owning other folks issues, and I'm letting all that s$%^ go - I need to focus on making me happy! (Thanks to the peeps that noted that in my comments - I needed to hear that).
Monday, October 28, 2002
I'm so tired of being alone...
I watched Sex & The City the other night and literally cried. It was the episode where Carrie turned 35, and was depressed because she didn't have a man in her life. Yes, I feel her pain, but my tears were caused by more than that.
Yes, my life is full - work, school, friends, kids, etc..etc...etc. However, that doesn't mean I don't want a man. Actually I do.
And yes, as a strong career woman, it ain't easy finding one. Not that I'm looking. But to even admit that I want/need a man in my life is so taboo - especially when men are 'supposedly' so outnumbered. 'Competition is fierce'. But I don't feel like competing.
I've vowed not only to not call JC, but to stop taking his calls. He's...I dunno..he's counterproductive. He's not loving me the way I deserve, and the energy I spend trying to be with him could be better spent on someone else. Beside, I've always been too damn available, which is why he feels like I'll always be there for him.
Damn, I want someone to be there for me - rescue my a$$, send me flowers, buy me candy, meet me for lunch just because. I hate to say it, but the older I get, it seems the more trifling men have become. Now, I understand why my mom stayed single for so many years.
Gotta go, ma head hurts...
I watched Sex & The City the other night and literally cried. It was the episode where Carrie turned 35, and was depressed because she didn't have a man in her life. Yes, I feel her pain, but my tears were caused by more than that.
Yes, my life is full - work, school, friends, kids, etc..etc...etc. However, that doesn't mean I don't want a man. Actually I do.
And yes, as a strong career woman, it ain't easy finding one. Not that I'm looking. But to even admit that I want/need a man in my life is so taboo - especially when men are 'supposedly' so outnumbered. 'Competition is fierce'. But I don't feel like competing.
I've vowed not only to not call JC, but to stop taking his calls. He's...I dunno..he's counterproductive. He's not loving me the way I deserve, and the energy I spend trying to be with him could be better spent on someone else. Beside, I've always been too damn available, which is why he feels like I'll always be there for him.
Damn, I want someone to be there for me - rescue my a$$, send me flowers, buy me candy, meet me for lunch just because. I hate to say it, but the older I get, it seems the more trifling men have become. Now, I understand why my mom stayed single for so many years.
Gotta go, ma head hurts...
Friday, October 18, 2002
prisoner 119486
watching a documentary about Wanda Jean Allen, who was executed January 11, 2001. She was an African-American woman, the first woman to be executed there since 1903, and only the second to ever have been executed in Oklahoma. The 1st one was black as well. the film suggests that she was mentally retarded with an IQ around 70-80, and had a 1982 manslaughter conviction, from which she was released from jail in 1984. She met her girlfriend (the victim) Gloria J. Leathers, 29 while she was in jail. Wanda shot Gloria in the stomach, after a domestic altercation, in front of Gloria's mom, at a police station as they were leaving, after having filed a police report against Wanda. Gloria was survived by 3 children.
yes, this story is tragic, but one comment by an observer really struck me: "we have to remove those elements of society that won't abide by the rules"
wtf?!!! element?!! whose society?!! and whose rules?!!
she was a human being, an American, a woman, a black woman, a black woman who was alive, and our 'society' killed her, because she broke the law and took a life.
She wasn't an 'element' to be 'removed'. Wanda was killed.
I'm not an anti-death penalty advocate by any means. matter of fact, i've called for the chair for several folks. my thing is, let's not lump criminals in categories, say 'the only way to take care of the problem is to get rid of them', and then start sending more folks to the chair. as a black woman, i find that statement very disturbing, since overwhelmingly it is us, blacks, african-americans that end up facing the death penalty.
watching a documentary about Wanda Jean Allen, who was executed January 11, 2001. She was an African-American woman, the first woman to be executed there since 1903, and only the second to ever have been executed in Oklahoma. The 1st one was black as well. the film suggests that she was mentally retarded with an IQ around 70-80, and had a 1982 manslaughter conviction, from which she was released from jail in 1984. She met her girlfriend (the victim) Gloria J. Leathers, 29 while she was in jail. Wanda shot Gloria in the stomach, after a domestic altercation, in front of Gloria's mom, at a police station as they were leaving, after having filed a police report against Wanda. Gloria was survived by 3 children.
yes, this story is tragic, but one comment by an observer really struck me: "we have to remove those elements of society that won't abide by the rules"
wtf?!!! element?!! whose society?!! and whose rules?!!
she was a human being, an American, a woman, a black woman, a black woman who was alive, and our 'society' killed her, because she broke the law and took a life.
She wasn't an 'element' to be 'removed'. Wanda was killed.
I'm not an anti-death penalty advocate by any means. matter of fact, i've called for the chair for several folks. my thing is, let's not lump criminals in categories, say 'the only way to take care of the problem is to get rid of them', and then start sending more folks to the chair. as a black woman, i find that statement very disturbing, since overwhelmingly it is us, blacks, african-americans that end up facing the death penalty.
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
ode to saga:: java_warrior_princess
I restarted college in the Spring '00. I'd ended my retail career, tried my hand at office management, and decided that without a degree, I was wandering career-wise. I had a plan to do something with computers (pretty vague, eh?), so I started @ a junior college to get an AAS in Computer Science. I was fortunate enuff to have some really compassionate professors, and excelled in my Comp Sci I & II, Intro to Computers, Java I & II classes...
hence the birth of saga:: java_warrior_princess. Able to leap over complex data-structures in a single bound! Wielding my deadly DOS prompt, and a few prewritten Java classes, I was ready to do some major damage to any evil-doing problem!! I even managed to turn my junior college interests into an internship and job in the development/programming field.
jump to the present:: frustrated undergrad student taking a full courseload and working in the ubër-gig. the warrior_princess has been defeated. What evil villain hath slain Saga you ask?! f$%&#in Physics II.
This is my second go at the evil Physics, and my first battle was barely won. Saga has been scarred - Java syntax forgotten, unable to even navigate to the correct directory to run her much needed Java classes. Now, she is facing Physics II, with her resources depleted, scarred and battleworn. Will she vanquish Physics and finally get her AAS?! Only time will tell....
if you find it really disconcerting that I'm referring to myself in the 3rd person, please leave me a comment!
ok, gotta go..that damn Physics textbook is taunting me again...
I restarted college in the Spring '00. I'd ended my retail career, tried my hand at office management, and decided that without a degree, I was wandering career-wise. I had a plan to do something with computers (pretty vague, eh?), so I started @ a junior college to get an AAS in Computer Science. I was fortunate enuff to have some really compassionate professors, and excelled in my Comp Sci I & II, Intro to Computers, Java I & II classes...
hence the birth of saga:: java_warrior_princess. Able to leap over complex data-structures in a single bound! Wielding my deadly DOS prompt, and a few prewritten Java classes, I was ready to do some major damage to any evil-doing problem!! I even managed to turn my junior college interests into an internship and job in the development/programming field.
jump to the present:: frustrated undergrad student taking a full courseload and working in the ubër-gig. the warrior_princess has been defeated. What evil villain hath slain Saga you ask?! f$%&#in Physics II.
This is my second go at the evil Physics, and my first battle was barely won. Saga has been scarred - Java syntax forgotten, unable to even navigate to the correct directory to run her much needed Java classes. Now, she is facing Physics II, with her resources depleted, scarred and battleworn. Will she vanquish Physics and finally get her AAS?! Only time will tell....
if you find it really disconcerting that I'm referring to myself in the 3rd person, please leave me a comment!
ok, gotta go..that damn Physics textbook is taunting me again...
Friday, October 11, 2002
that's just my baby daddy...
The big One came over to watch the lil' One, while i was in class. He left to catch the bus home, and me, feeling sorry, drove him home. We talked civilly as I drove, and I wished him goodnight.
I don't know how to feel about him, now. To me it's really strange to have onced loved him, worshipped the ground he walked on, and then now, barely want to spend more than 15 minutes with him. We had a child together, which means we're bound for life, just like a marriage. At one point, I thought he was 'The One".
But he abused me, in many different ways - physically, emotionally, mentally. We went from loving each other -> him sneaking & cheating behind my back -> him sleeping with everything that moved ->him abusing me -> him taking financial advantage of me ->me forcing him to leave. Funny, even towards the end, he never saw it coming. Subconbciously, he still thinks that we're soulmates, and will get back together. He tells me that occasionally. It makes me sad.
What is sadder, is that I came up, and he didn't.I got a better job, and he's moved from job-2-job, house-2-house, relationship-2-relationship. I moved into a bigger/better apartment, and he's got that 'grown-man' syndrome, and lives with family members, not on his own. I went back to school, and began pursuing my degree. He never finished high-school, and spent some time in jail. I forgave him, and he's got a couple of court cases pending: domestic violence & battery (not against me, it's been 5 years since he left).
Even sadder...he doesn't pay child support, and is wishy-washy about visitation. When he has time (after work, chilling after work, football games and women) he'll make time for the lil' One. I could hate him for this, most of all. But that wastes my energy.
On the way home, as he talked about his new 'gig', and the amount of $$ he'll be making, and what he'll do with it when he gets it, I thought a lot. "How does it feel to be one-upped by your ex-girlfriend/fiance?" "Does it threaten his manhood that I make >2X what he has ever made in his life?" (Not including OT that is). "Does he feel bad that as well as being the mama & daddy that he can't/will never be, that I also provide his son with a lifestyle that he may not ever achieve?" I felt bad thinking this, because I don't want to be smug about the blessings I've received. But still, how does that feel?
The big One came over to watch the lil' One, while i was in class. He left to catch the bus home, and me, feeling sorry, drove him home. We talked civilly as I drove, and I wished him goodnight.
I don't know how to feel about him, now. To me it's really strange to have onced loved him, worshipped the ground he walked on, and then now, barely want to spend more than 15 minutes with him. We had a child together, which means we're bound for life, just like a marriage. At one point, I thought he was 'The One".
But he abused me, in many different ways - physically, emotionally, mentally. We went from loving each other -> him sneaking & cheating behind my back -> him sleeping with everything that moved ->him abusing me -> him taking financial advantage of me ->me forcing him to leave. Funny, even towards the end, he never saw it coming. Subconbciously, he still thinks that we're soulmates, and will get back together. He tells me that occasionally. It makes me sad.
What is sadder, is that I came up, and he didn't.I got a better job, and he's moved from job-2-job, house-2-house, relationship-2-relationship. I moved into a bigger/better apartment, and he's got that 'grown-man' syndrome, and lives with family members, not on his own. I went back to school, and began pursuing my degree. He never finished high-school, and spent some time in jail. I forgave him, and he's got a couple of court cases pending: domestic violence & battery (not against me, it's been 5 years since he left).
Even sadder...he doesn't pay child support, and is wishy-washy about visitation. When he has time (after work, chilling after work, football games and women) he'll make time for the lil' One. I could hate him for this, most of all. But that wastes my energy.
On the way home, as he talked about his new 'gig', and the amount of $$ he'll be making, and what he'll do with it when he gets it, I thought a lot. "How does it feel to be one-upped by your ex-girlfriend/fiance?" "Does it threaten his manhood that I make >2X what he has ever made in his life?" (Not including OT that is). "Does he feel bad that as well as being the mama & daddy that he can't/will never be, that I also provide his son with a lifestyle that he may not ever achieve?" I felt bad thinking this, because I don't want to be smug about the blessings I've received. But still, how does that feel?
Friday, October 04, 2002
guerrilla-beggin' - a rant
so i stopped at my local gas station to get my morning fuel (for those of you who don't know, Quicktrip's vanilla cappucino tastes better than Starbuck's vanilla latte, for only $.99). now i live in an area suffering from gentrification. poor folks getting booted out by real estate developers to allow overpaid creative types to move in at 3/4X the prices the poor folks paid, for 'loft space' (which is really an inexpensively built 'project' that resembles NY brownstones..y'all know the drill). so there's a whole sector of the homeless in the area, and the gas station's a hangout for them.
a man approaches as I enter the store "hey sista...hey sis, can you spare some change when u come out?" I answer no, and go in the store. this brother walks toward me again as I leave, cappucino in hand. " hey sista..." i ignore him..."hey miss"...still i ignore him...him, running up on me "hey man!" WTF?...Hey Man?!
i don't owe these kids #$@% - WTF? i've heard every fake sob story...the transplant that lost it all, the visitor who's run outta gas, or who's car broke down and just needs $2, the unemployed worker who needs $.10 from every person they see so they can get a new pair of shoes for their job interview tomorrow, the vietnam/korean war/desert storm vet who's having a hard time, the pregnant mom w/kids who needs $5 to find the kids a shelter to stay in tonight...I even watched her get into a car with some brother to share the $3 I gave her...
but this kid took the cake...what, you're gonna try & punk me into giving you my loot? ok gator...you'll do it, you'll do it, you'll do it, I know....take my tv and sell it for a $20 spot that won't even last an hour, hunh? i didn't have time to go off on him like i wanted to, just gave him the 30 sec piece of my mind i could spare, and headed to work.
guerilla-beggin', kinda like guerrilla-pimpin.
so i stopped at my local gas station to get my morning fuel (for those of you who don't know, Quicktrip's vanilla cappucino tastes better than Starbuck's vanilla latte, for only $.99). now i live in an area suffering from gentrification. poor folks getting booted out by real estate developers to allow overpaid creative types to move in at 3/4X the prices the poor folks paid, for 'loft space' (which is really an inexpensively built 'project' that resembles NY brownstones..y'all know the drill). so there's a whole sector of the homeless in the area, and the gas station's a hangout for them.
a man approaches as I enter the store "hey sista...hey sis, can you spare some change when u come out?" I answer no, and go in the store. this brother walks toward me again as I leave, cappucino in hand. " hey sista..." i ignore him..."hey miss"...still i ignore him...him, running up on me "hey man!" WTF?...Hey Man?!
i don't owe these kids #$@% - WTF? i've heard every fake sob story...the transplant that lost it all, the visitor who's run outta gas, or who's car broke down and just needs $2, the unemployed worker who needs $.10 from every person they see so they can get a new pair of shoes for their job interview tomorrow, the vietnam/korean war/desert storm vet who's having a hard time, the pregnant mom w/kids who needs $5 to find the kids a shelter to stay in tonight...I even watched her get into a car with some brother to share the $3 I gave her...
but this kid took the cake...what, you're gonna try & punk me into giving you my loot? ok gator...you'll do it, you'll do it, you'll do it, I know....take my tv and sell it for a $20 spot that won't even last an hour, hunh? i didn't have time to go off on him like i wanted to, just gave him the 30 sec piece of my mind i could spare, and headed to work.
guerilla-beggin', kinda like guerrilla-pimpin.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
the end is near...
seen the news lately? Look here:
Sons found slain after suicide
Terrorist attacks said to be factor in flight attendant's murder-suicide in New Albany
Mother of 3-year-old special needs child who died in hot car
placed on suicide watch
Police: 8 youths confess in Milwaukee death
Police believe five shootings in Montgomery County, Md., suburbs related
what is our world coming to?
I remember as a child, my grandmother read religious tracts to me, that scared the crap outta me. and it seems the horror stories they appear to tell are coming true. I wonder if the world ended now, would it go out with a bang? or a whimper? and what would the headline read?
seen the news lately? Look here:
Sons found slain after suicide
Terrorist attacks said to be factor in flight attendant's murder-suicide in New Albany
Mother of 3-year-old special needs child who died in hot car
placed on suicide watch
Police: 8 youths confess in Milwaukee death
Police believe five shootings in Montgomery County, Md., suburbs related
what is our world coming to?
I remember as a child, my grandmother read religious tracts to me, that scared the crap outta me. and it seems the horror stories they appear to tell are coming true. I wonder if the world ended now, would it go out with a bang? or a whimper? and what would the headline read?
Sunday, September 22, 2002
Things ain`t changed as much as I once thought.
If you`re new to my page, click here, and you`ll understand.
It didn`t work out the way i thought it would.
It hasn`t worked out at all, to tell the truth.
It isn`t over.
But it also isn`t ongoing.
It has reached limbo, and i believe it will stay there for a while.
in the meantime...
i`m single
and not looking for a man
but looking for the hope i had the last time when we began
six months ago
and looking to believe in the kind of love
that moves mountains
crosses rivers
overcomes obstacles
comforts you
holds you
keeps you warm and safe, when the rest of the world is cold and ugly
a love that is simply beautiful
right now, i`m bitter and jaded
but honest
and unsure if i`ll find that hope
or that kind of love
but i`m willing to keep trying
If you`re new to my page, click here, and you`ll understand.
It didn`t work out the way i thought it would.
It hasn`t worked out at all, to tell the truth.
It isn`t over.
But it also isn`t ongoing.
It has reached limbo, and i believe it will stay there for a while.
in the meantime...
i`m single
and not looking for a man
but looking for the hope i had the last time when we began
six months ago
and looking to believe in the kind of love
that moves mountains
crosses rivers
overcomes obstacles
comforts you
holds you
keeps you warm and safe, when the rest of the world is cold and ugly
a love that is simply beautiful
right now, i`m bitter and jaded
but honest
and unsure if i`ll find that hope
or that kind of love
but i`m willing to keep trying
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
9/11
I wasn't going to go there again. I wasn't going to ignore what happened, but I also intended to not entertain the media's re-visiting the whole event. I was torn between wanting to memorialize 9/11, and not wanting to engage in this fake glamourization of the event, yanno?
and then I heard another story...
a heart wrenching story, of survival, and of those that died.
and it reminded me that...
There are thousands of stories...2,843 stories to be somewhat exact. There are tens, hundreds of thousands of people directly affected...families of the survivors, of the deceased, volunteers, co-workers....
I don't know if this blog will make much sense, but I have to get this off my chest.
Life is precious, and fragile...and too short for drama, and hatred, and negativity. We should love & cherish each other whenever we have a chance, because those chances are few & far between, and when they're gone we can never get them back.
I can't stop crying now, so I'll stop typing.
I wasn't going to go there again. I wasn't going to ignore what happened, but I also intended to not entertain the media's re-visiting the whole event. I was torn between wanting to memorialize 9/11, and not wanting to engage in this fake glamourization of the event, yanno?
and then I heard another story...
a heart wrenching story, of survival, and of those that died.
and it reminded me that...
There are thousands of stories...2,843 stories to be somewhat exact. There are tens, hundreds of thousands of people directly affected...families of the survivors, of the deceased, volunteers, co-workers....
I don't know if this blog will make much sense, but I have to get this off my chest.
Life is precious, and fragile...and too short for drama, and hatred, and negativity. We should love & cherish each other whenever we have a chance, because those chances are few & far between, and when they're gone we can never get them back.
I can't stop crying now, so I'll stop typing.
Sunday, August 18, 2002
my life is a testimony
A long time ago, before I became a webgirl, before I even really knew what the internet was, I went through some drama. If I hadn't blogged about it before, I will later, or add a link to point to the blog, but right now that drama is not the point. When I was going through the drama, a friend forwarded an email to me. A message that I really needed to hear. I barely knew then how to even check my email...lol. But I managed, and read it, and it subtly changed me.
The email was pretty simple, a standard spam. And while I know somewhere, in hard copy, I still have it...it escapes me exactly where. But I do remember the gist of its message.
Right at this moment, somewhere out in this world...
someone is thinking about you and smiling...
someone is sad, because they miss you...
someone wants to talk to you...
someone remembers that you make them laugh...
someone thinks you give great hugs...
someone believes you're smarter than you think you are...
Anyway, it touched my heart, because I was pretty depressed at the time, and feeling pretty bad about myself. And I realized that no matter how desperate my situation was, someone out there loved me.
Looking back & thinking about it, I find other meanings in the message. The idea that people are watching you, and some people are emulating you. They look at your life from a completely different perspective, and no matter what you think...they may want to be in your shoes, because your shoes are prettier, or more comfortable, or already broken-in, or the heel may appear to be higher/lower. For whatever reason, your life/mylife can be a testimony to someone...
I try to be the best person I can...to feed my spirit, and to ease my own mind. At times, I think it brings me closer to the purpose that God has for me. At other times, I just do it to avoid ulcers, high blood pressure, and stress. Rarely does it cross my mind that my life may influence the path of someone observing me. Yet, I know that many people's paths...my friends & family, co-workers, internet friends...even the homeless person I have a singular chance encounter with...have influenced mine. I'm greatful that I "got" that, before I was too old to appreciate it.
A long time ago, before I became a webgirl, before I even really knew what the internet was, I went through some drama. If I hadn't blogged about it before, I will later, or add a link to point to the blog, but right now that drama is not the point. When I was going through the drama, a friend forwarded an email to me. A message that I really needed to hear. I barely knew then how to even check my email...lol. But I managed, and read it, and it subtly changed me.
The email was pretty simple, a standard spam. And while I know somewhere, in hard copy, I still have it...it escapes me exactly where. But I do remember the gist of its message.
Right at this moment, somewhere out in this world...
someone is thinking about you and smiling...
someone is sad, because they miss you...
someone wants to talk to you...
someone remembers that you make them laugh...
someone thinks you give great hugs...
someone believes you're smarter than you think you are...
Anyway, it touched my heart, because I was pretty depressed at the time, and feeling pretty bad about myself. And I realized that no matter how desperate my situation was, someone out there loved me.
Looking back & thinking about it, I find other meanings in the message. The idea that people are watching you, and some people are emulating you. They look at your life from a completely different perspective, and no matter what you think...they may want to be in your shoes, because your shoes are prettier, or more comfortable, or already broken-in, or the heel may appear to be higher/lower. For whatever reason, your life/mylife can be a testimony to someone...
I try to be the best person I can...to feed my spirit, and to ease my own mind. At times, I think it brings me closer to the purpose that God has for me. At other times, I just do it to avoid ulcers, high blood pressure, and stress. Rarely does it cross my mind that my life may influence the path of someone observing me. Yet, I know that many people's paths...my friends & family, co-workers, internet friends...even the homeless person I have a singular chance encounter with...have influenced mine. I'm greatful that I "got" that, before I was too old to appreciate it.
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
we've come so far...
I sit, twisting my hair, typing and thinking. My hair, a loose connection to a past I'll never truly know, and I'm just realizing trying to capture. 200 years ago, I imagine some great-ancestor of mine, slowly, painfully, tiredly twisting her hair in an ancient bedtime ritual. To not twist, meaning a mixture of harsh sunlight, sweat & dirt creating a tangled bedtime mixture impossible to comb. To twist, creating pretty black coils, occasionally let down for the enjoyment of some fleeting husband-lover. I think, "would she let it down briefly for him to touch, and redo it before she went to bed? or take it down and leave it all night long, his small treasure, and put it back up in the morning?"
Funny, how all things come full circle. Here I sit, slave to none except a demanding lifestyle, twisting my hair as she did. Am I freer than she? Hahahaha...let me quit my job, and relinquish these material possessions and see. Sometimes I have a Black Panther Moment, think to myself that my colleagues and I are little better than a bunch of house niggas, debating intellectually about "protecting company assets" and "retaining your stock" and "showing the company your loyatly"...how silly. We're arguing about making contributions to the "right" organizations, creating the "proper" political affiliations, making sure that we work "long & hard" so that our "efforts are appreciated". I have a much better understanding of why the Panthers resented the bourgeoisie so much. They stole the movement's fire, took the momentum out of it, with their placating words about "working within the system". The system still oppresses us, and yet we still feed the corporate machine, with our manipulations, machinations, scheming, and political correctness. We still try so hard to assimilate, that we convince ourselves that our mere presence is enough to change the way things are.
My hair's only half twisted now, more typing than twisting, ha. Back to my original train, I still wonder about that connection. Would I, could I have survived? Sunrise, fielding and picking, shoveling and sweating. No sense of stability, hope no more than to hold onto your family, husband-lover, children only until they got big enough to be work-worthy? We clung to each other then, cleaved onto our soulmate, and held on for dear, precious life, because that was the little solace we had. Now, I cleave onto my cellphone, and hope Mr. Loverman calls. I wonder what our ancestors think about that?
And my sisters, lawd. I know that some, most maybe, think of me as little more than a pickaninny. A throwback to the early 1900's, to when we couldn't keep our hair straight, or only those who could afford it did. Before Madame Walker, and The Lye. I picture myself there, and see the connection again...the reactions I get now, the stares, the chatter. Lawd, they rarely wait until I can get outta earshot. It used to bother me. Now, only occasionally. I think it sad mostly, for most assume that I can't afford straight (not true), can't afford weave (also not true), or care so little about my appearance that I'm willing to settle for, well this. That, which is more untrue than most. I have moments when I love my hair, and moments when I don't want to be bothered with it. But rarely a moment when I want it straight. And for those moments, I have a straightening comb, and Mrs. Lillian's phone numbers (oh she will ole skool fry, dye & lay to the side, don't play).
3/4 twisted, and my thoughts are returning to the present. I didn't change my hair to make a political statement. I just wanted to get rid of the perm, to let my hair grow. So did concsiousness creep up on me? Or am I still the same shallow, materialistic chick I ever was, wrapped up in a naptural, concsious shell? Who knows? I just know I have about 5 twists to go...
I sit, twisting my hair, typing and thinking. My hair, a loose connection to a past I'll never truly know, and I'm just realizing trying to capture. 200 years ago, I imagine some great-ancestor of mine, slowly, painfully, tiredly twisting her hair in an ancient bedtime ritual. To not twist, meaning a mixture of harsh sunlight, sweat & dirt creating a tangled bedtime mixture impossible to comb. To twist, creating pretty black coils, occasionally let down for the enjoyment of some fleeting husband-lover. I think, "would she let it down briefly for him to touch, and redo it before she went to bed? or take it down and leave it all night long, his small treasure, and put it back up in the morning?"
Funny, how all things come full circle. Here I sit, slave to none except a demanding lifestyle, twisting my hair as she did. Am I freer than she? Hahahaha...let me quit my job, and relinquish these material possessions and see. Sometimes I have a Black Panther Moment, think to myself that my colleagues and I are little better than a bunch of house niggas, debating intellectually about "protecting company assets" and "retaining your stock" and "showing the company your loyatly"...how silly. We're arguing about making contributions to the "right" organizations, creating the "proper" political affiliations, making sure that we work "long & hard" so that our "efforts are appreciated". I have a much better understanding of why the Panthers resented the bourgeoisie so much. They stole the movement's fire, took the momentum out of it, with their placating words about "working within the system". The system still oppresses us, and yet we still feed the corporate machine, with our manipulations, machinations, scheming, and political correctness. We still try so hard to assimilate, that we convince ourselves that our mere presence is enough to change the way things are.
My hair's only half twisted now, more typing than twisting, ha. Back to my original train, I still wonder about that connection. Would I, could I have survived? Sunrise, fielding and picking, shoveling and sweating. No sense of stability, hope no more than to hold onto your family, husband-lover, children only until they got big enough to be work-worthy? We clung to each other then, cleaved onto our soulmate, and held on for dear, precious life, because that was the little solace we had. Now, I cleave onto my cellphone, and hope Mr. Loverman calls. I wonder what our ancestors think about that?
And my sisters, lawd. I know that some, most maybe, think of me as little more than a pickaninny. A throwback to the early 1900's, to when we couldn't keep our hair straight, or only those who could afford it did. Before Madame Walker, and The Lye. I picture myself there, and see the connection again...the reactions I get now, the stares, the chatter. Lawd, they rarely wait until I can get outta earshot. It used to bother me. Now, only occasionally. I think it sad mostly, for most assume that I can't afford straight (not true), can't afford weave (also not true), or care so little about my appearance that I'm willing to settle for, well this. That, which is more untrue than most. I have moments when I love my hair, and moments when I don't want to be bothered with it. But rarely a moment when I want it straight. And for those moments, I have a straightening comb, and Mrs. Lillian's phone numbers (oh she will ole skool fry, dye & lay to the side, don't play).
3/4 twisted, and my thoughts are returning to the present. I didn't change my hair to make a political statement. I just wanted to get rid of the perm, to let my hair grow. So did concsiousness creep up on me? Or am I still the same shallow, materialistic chick I ever was, wrapped up in a naptural, concsious shell? Who knows? I just know I have about 5 twists to go...
Sunday, June 02, 2002
politically incorrect
I've been bored and cruisin' BP forums all evening ( I have wicked PMS and I'm not really fit for human consumption today). Anyway, they've got me mildly irritated. Do we as African-Americans not have more to contribute to society/the internet/the human dialogue/et all than the regularly scheduled debates about:
interracial dating
sex
dating
oral sex
light skin vs. dark skin
anal sex
bling-bling or fashion trends you'd like to die
sex with mutliple partners...
you get the drift.
Admittedly, I wasn't exactly looking at the news forum. However it is sad to see the most active forums are dedicated to the most trivial subjects. Even in the "Heritage & Culture", "BP Times" and "News & Politics" forums tackle such tough issues like "Black Men, White Women Do Not Love You!!!" and "Can Women and Men be friends?" I mean, damn: 9,448 posts in the Anal Sex forum, and 18 posts exploring whether or not US companies are perpetuating the AIDS crisis in Africa. Ok, I ain't the deepest sista on earth, and this damn blog will definitely attest to that. But DAMN!!!!!
I've been bored and cruisin' BP forums all evening ( I have wicked PMS and I'm not really fit for human consumption today). Anyway, they've got me mildly irritated. Do we as African-Americans not have more to contribute to society/the internet/the human dialogue/et all than the regularly scheduled debates about:
interracial dating
sex
dating
oral sex
light skin vs. dark skin
anal sex
bling-bling or fashion trends you'd like to die
sex with mutliple partners...
you get the drift.
Admittedly, I wasn't exactly looking at the news forum. However it is sad to see the most active forums are dedicated to the most trivial subjects. Even in the "Heritage & Culture", "BP Times" and "News & Politics" forums tackle such tough issues like "Black Men, White Women Do Not Love You!!!" and "Can Women and Men be friends?" I mean, damn: 9,448 posts in the Anal Sex forum, and 18 posts exploring whether or not US companies are perpetuating the AIDS crisis in Africa. Ok, I ain't the deepest sista on earth, and this damn blog will definitely attest to that. But DAMN!!!!!
Friday, May 31, 2002
buildin' - the makeup
jeez, I feel like I'm whining about my lovelife - daily. That was so not what I wanted to use this for, but I do want to wrap-up this little drama with JC. We went to breakfast & talked it out. We're fine, agreed to work on it, you get the gist.
More importantly, my mind's trying to wrap itself around this buildin' thing. You know, relationship-building (for those of you uninformed on what " buildin' " is. JC & I are of one accord - we're in the buildin' phase. We lay the foundation of our relationship, and build upon it. Trust, honesty, and the desire to put forth some effort ('cause this definitely ain't effortless) are key.
My problem is that I've got a history of choosing the "wrong" guy, for the right reasons. The kid that's not ready to commit, whether he's honest about it or not. I chose them because they were honest, or because I thought that's not what I wanted either, or because they were 100% in every area other than commitment...blah..blah, you know the routine.
My point: I've got to strike this delicate balance between not being foolish, yet giving 100% without second-guessing my partner. Allowing him to be who he is, without casting him in the light of my history. I have to trust him, for he's given me no reason not to trust him. Yet, I also don't want to walk around with blinders on to who he actually is. Don't want to cast him as the One if he's not him, ya know? Even though, he's got a lot of potential. He's a lot "Oner" than the previous applicants...lol. Ok, that may only make sense to me, but it's the middle of the night. Sue me.
Ideally: I give it my all regardless. If he's cool, he & I become we. If not, I learn a life lesson & move on. It won't be the first time it didn't work out & may not be the last. But in my head, I know that's the bottom line. If it doesn't work out, I've given it my all & he's ...well, he's whatever...then I can only blame myself for giving it 100%. Oh, and maybe for choosing him (maybe being the operative word in tha sentence). And I'm not about to beat myself up for giving it my all. If I don't give it my all, and continue to feed my insecurities (for that's what's plaguing me at this point) and it doesn't work out...well, ya know where I'll be laying the blame. And I do not want that.
Ok head, can ya convince my heart of the same. For while that makes perfect sense, if JC goes 36-40 hours without calling like I thought he did before, my heart's gonna go about 12 inches south and stay there, hiding from a hurt not inflicted, protecting itself from a pain only distantly perceived and not actually felt. Stomach churning from overcrowding, I'll blow up his phone/pager/two-way until the perceived hurt uninflicted is rectified and justice is served, coldly & swiftly. Until I realize (again) that my insecurities have begun a battle that I ultimately am doomed to lose.
Wow, waxing poetic. Insomnia, how you move me well...lol.
jeez, I feel like I'm whining about my lovelife - daily. That was so not what I wanted to use this for, but I do want to wrap-up this little drama with JC. We went to breakfast & talked it out. We're fine, agreed to work on it, you get the gist.
More importantly, my mind's trying to wrap itself around this buildin' thing. You know, relationship-building (for those of you uninformed on what " buildin' " is. JC & I are of one accord - we're in the buildin' phase. We lay the foundation of our relationship, and build upon it. Trust, honesty, and the desire to put forth some effort ('cause this definitely ain't effortless) are key.
My problem is that I've got a history of choosing the "wrong" guy, for the right reasons. The kid that's not ready to commit, whether he's honest about it or not. I chose them because they were honest, or because I thought that's not what I wanted either, or because they were 100% in every area other than commitment...blah..blah, you know the routine.
My point: I've got to strike this delicate balance between not being foolish, yet giving 100% without second-guessing my partner. Allowing him to be who he is, without casting him in the light of my history. I have to trust him, for he's given me no reason not to trust him. Yet, I also don't want to walk around with blinders on to who he actually is. Don't want to cast him as the One if he's not him, ya know? Even though, he's got a lot of potential. He's a lot "Oner" than the previous applicants...lol. Ok, that may only make sense to me, but it's the middle of the night. Sue me.
Ideally: I give it my all regardless. If he's cool, he & I become we. If not, I learn a life lesson & move on. It won't be the first time it didn't work out & may not be the last. But in my head, I know that's the bottom line. If it doesn't work out, I've given it my all & he's ...well, he's whatever...then I can only blame myself for giving it 100%. Oh, and maybe for choosing him (maybe being the operative word in tha sentence). And I'm not about to beat myself up for giving it my all. If I don't give it my all, and continue to feed my insecurities (for that's what's plaguing me at this point) and it doesn't work out...well, ya know where I'll be laying the blame. And I do not want that.
Ok head, can ya convince my heart of the same. For while that makes perfect sense, if JC goes 36-40 hours without calling like I thought he did before, my heart's gonna go about 12 inches south and stay there, hiding from a hurt not inflicted, protecting itself from a pain only distantly perceived and not actually felt. Stomach churning from overcrowding, I'll blow up his phone/pager/two-way until the perceived hurt uninflicted is rectified and justice is served, coldly & swiftly. Until I realize (again) that my insecurities have begun a battle that I ultimately am doomed to lose.
Wow, waxing poetic. Insomnia, how you move me well...lol.
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
things done changed, the remix
I'm royally f%^&ed now.
JC called, and explained that he was busy with work, and couldn't make it...blah...blah...blah. I listened to his explanation, didn't blow my top. He said he'd left a message on my voicemail well before the graduation time, so I could make other arrangements, and let the chaos know what was up. I'd already checked my voicemail, and there were no new messages. He seemed sincerely confused, because he was positive he'd left a message, and wanted to know if I hadn't received it, who did? I told him he may be sure he left it, but I'm also sure I didn't get it. We didn't argue, but there was defintely tension there...we hung up & told each other we'd talk later.
I told the chaos that I had a message for her from JC that he wanted her to know about the whole thing. Her reply: "I already heard it." WHAT???!!!! "Yeah, he left a message on your voicemail while I had your cell phone, and I saved it for you. You heard it right?" Uh, well no. "Yeah, I figured you'd check it when I gave you the phone back, so I saved it for you."
Now here's the cute part. My voicemail saves messages in chronological order, oldest to newest. So when I'd checked it, the message from JC was last. Since I didn't have any new messages, and his voice wasn't the first I'd heard, I didn't listen to them all until after this conversation. There was his voice, sweetly explaining that he had to go out of town on business, would be gone for a few days, apologizing for missing the event, and promising that he'd make it up to both of us. I am such an a$$.
Here's the best part: JC and I'd already been slightly divided on the honesty issue. If that weren't enough, now this. I apologized to him via voicemail, and he called me while I was at a dr's appointment for booman and I apologized again. I told him I felt that we (JC & I ) were as distant emotionally as I ever wanted to be, and that I thought we needed some quality time when he gets back in town. His reply: "You need to focus on your little man right now, and I still have this work to finish. I'll holla at you later."
Yes, I'm probably paranoid. But I feel as if we're drifting apart...no that's not accurate. I feel as if I'm pushing him away with my lack of trust. He asked me a few days ago if I'd ever sabotaged a relationship. Have I??? HELL YEAH!!!! which is exactly why I'm freaking out now. He's a good man, and I said I was going to give him belief. I did ( a little ) but as soon as it hit the fan, belief when out the window. I hope I haven't lost him with it.
I'm royally f%^&ed now.
JC called, and explained that he was busy with work, and couldn't make it...blah...blah...blah. I listened to his explanation, didn't blow my top. He said he'd left a message on my voicemail well before the graduation time, so I could make other arrangements, and let the chaos know what was up. I'd already checked my voicemail, and there were no new messages. He seemed sincerely confused, because he was positive he'd left a message, and wanted to know if I hadn't received it, who did? I told him he may be sure he left it, but I'm also sure I didn't get it. We didn't argue, but there was defintely tension there...we hung up & told each other we'd talk later.
I told the chaos that I had a message for her from JC that he wanted her to know about the whole thing. Her reply: "I already heard it." WHAT???!!!! "Yeah, he left a message on your voicemail while I had your cell phone, and I saved it for you. You heard it right?" Uh, well no. "Yeah, I figured you'd check it when I gave you the phone back, so I saved it for you."
Now here's the cute part. My voicemail saves messages in chronological order, oldest to newest. So when I'd checked it, the message from JC was last. Since I didn't have any new messages, and his voice wasn't the first I'd heard, I didn't listen to them all until after this conversation. There was his voice, sweetly explaining that he had to go out of town on business, would be gone for a few days, apologizing for missing the event, and promising that he'd make it up to both of us. I am such an a$$.
Here's the best part: JC and I'd already been slightly divided on the honesty issue. If that weren't enough, now this. I apologized to him via voicemail, and he called me while I was at a dr's appointment for booman and I apologized again. I told him I felt that we (JC & I ) were as distant emotionally as I ever wanted to be, and that I thought we needed some quality time when he gets back in town. His reply: "You need to focus on your little man right now, and I still have this work to finish. I'll holla at you later."
Yes, I'm probably paranoid. But I feel as if we're drifting apart...no that's not accurate. I feel as if I'm pushing him away with my lack of trust. He asked me a few days ago if I'd ever sabotaged a relationship. Have I??? HELL YEAH!!!! which is exactly why I'm freaking out now. He's a good man, and I said I was going to give him belief. I did ( a little ) but as soon as it hit the fan, belief when out the window. I hope I haven't lost him with it.
Monday, May 27, 2002
things done changed, part deux
or have they? more on that toward the end of this blog.
theonlychaos graduated yesterday. I am so incredibly proud of her, and amazed at her journey, which is really just beginning. The chaos happens to be my daughter, incidentally. We had a BBQ for her, and all our folks came through: the Diva, Sadat, Neo, the baby-daddy & his peeps, the white guy & his boys, Nova, Angel-lee, Nyamazelah, Britt, the Twinz, Val, Victoria, Fee-Fee, Starling, Anton, Curtis, etc...etc... It was quite wonderful, and the chaos had an excellent time. I'm so glad we all had a chance to get together. Their graduation ceremony was wonderful also, and I'm proud that they've all planned to continue their education.
so, have things changed? I thought I had a good man, but did'ja notice a name missing from the list? JC was a no-show. Matter of fact, JC has been MIA for at least 36-40 hours now. That's the longest I've gone without hearing from him in the last few months.
it's one thing to disappoint me & hurt me. Fine, it's happened before & I'm a grown-a$$ woman; I'll get over it. However, he hurt & disappointed the chaos. That is a whole different animal. Mary, when I see ya, I'm gonna long D ya, kna'mean??!!!! He's well f%^&ed. I gave his a$$ an out on 05/23/02; check back to the archives if ya feelin clueless. I actually told him that I wanted the whole thing to be over, and he said that's not what he wanted. That's not what he wanted. Then why do this? He swore he was "working like a Mexican to make sure he could be there..." and he not only no-shows, but he doesn't even bother to call & say he's gonna front. the chaos has been unusually silent on the whole matter. even the baby-daddy hasn't asked me about it yet. I'm not humiliated, or embarassed. I gave it my all, that's all I could do, and I don't feel bad about that. I'm not completely confused, or completely clueless. I'm sorta just sitting here with my heart in my hands, trying to protect it from JC, and wondering why? why do I have to protect it from him? I've never asked him for anything except his honesty, and it seems that was the one thing I couldn't have. the one thing he couldn't give. f%^& the fantasy ending, the happily ever after. I just wanted the happily now.
I told myself that I wouldn't shed another tear for another brother. Funny, who's crying now?
or have they? more on that toward the end of this blog.
theonlychaos graduated yesterday. I am so incredibly proud of her, and amazed at her journey, which is really just beginning. The chaos happens to be my daughter, incidentally. We had a BBQ for her, and all our folks came through: the Diva, Sadat, Neo, the baby-daddy & his peeps, the white guy & his boys, Nova, Angel-lee, Nyamazelah, Britt, the Twinz, Val, Victoria, Fee-Fee, Starling, Anton, Curtis, etc...etc... It was quite wonderful, and the chaos had an excellent time. I'm so glad we all had a chance to get together. Their graduation ceremony was wonderful also, and I'm proud that they've all planned to continue their education.
so, have things changed? I thought I had a good man, but did'ja notice a name missing from the list? JC was a no-show. Matter of fact, JC has been MIA for at least 36-40 hours now. That's the longest I've gone without hearing from him in the last few months.
it's one thing to disappoint me & hurt me. Fine, it's happened before & I'm a grown-a$$ woman; I'll get over it. However, he hurt & disappointed the chaos. That is a whole different animal. Mary, when I see ya, I'm gonna long D ya, kna'mean??!!!! He's well f%^&ed. I gave his a$$ an out on 05/23/02; check back to the archives if ya feelin clueless. I actually told him that I wanted the whole thing to be over, and he said that's not what he wanted. That's not what he wanted. Then why do this? He swore he was "working like a Mexican to make sure he could be there..." and he not only no-shows, but he doesn't even bother to call & say he's gonna front. the chaos has been unusually silent on the whole matter. even the baby-daddy hasn't asked me about it yet. I'm not humiliated, or embarassed. I gave it my all, that's all I could do, and I don't feel bad about that. I'm not completely confused, or completely clueless. I'm sorta just sitting here with my heart in my hands, trying to protect it from JC, and wondering why? why do I have to protect it from him? I've never asked him for anything except his honesty, and it seems that was the one thing I couldn't have. the one thing he couldn't give. f%^& the fantasy ending, the happily ever after. I just wanted the happily now.
I told myself that I wouldn't shed another tear for another brother. Funny, who's crying now?
Thursday, May 23, 2002
honesty
We had it out, JC & I. Finally. Now I have to be honest, I did something I probably shouldn't have. See, with neither of us being from here & both coming from a relatively small city, I'm used to being able to do a background check on anyone I date. Background check you say? Yes, I said background check...not criminal or from a PI. The old-fashioned kind, I call someone in my circle of family or friends, and they call someone in his circle, and then they give the information back to me. Like, is he married, or living with someone, etc. Since we're no longer in the small city, trying that did not work. So I poked into his business a different way, and found out something. I've actually known it a long time.
So I'd been subtly trying to get him to admit it. Ya know, leading questions to JC, asking him to be honest, telling him how I felt about the whole honesty issue. And here's how I feel: if you discuss a situation that may be something you'd normally not share with the person you're dating or trying to build with, even if they don't like the situation, they knew up front what they were getting into, so how much drama can they really cause? They have to at least respect you for being honest. Or at least that's how I look at it. So if you're married/involved/financially unstable/bisexual/etc, I at least have to respect you for telling me. And I know up front what I'm getting into. I can't bitch later about the situation...I knew about it up front & was allowed to choose whether I wanted to get into the situation. Makes sense, right?
Here's the problem: he wouldn't tell me. I knew the situation, but he kept avoiding telling me...until he finally lied about it. Mentally, I went "A-ha!!!". But I actually kept the whole thing close to the vest, thinking the truth will come to light later. It didn't. Actually, the lie began to eat at my ability to trust him. When we discussed other things not related to the situation, I looked for the companion lies. Y'all know that lies never come alone, right? Anyway, I either looked for holes in his other truths, or poked holes in them myself. Still, I kept the whole thing close to the vest.
Well, that little fib became weighty with time, along with the other perceived half-truths I felt went along with it. Until I felt that weight get a little too heavy, and decided enough was enough. I confronted him. For the record, JC & I have very similar temperments, and really bad tempers. We had a semi-blowout. Funny thing is, the biggest issue was not the situation I'd discovered...it was how I went about finding out about it. I didn't go through his wallet, or check his cell-phone/pager. But I did poke where I shouldn't have. And while his lie was pretty bad, my poking was just as bad, if not worse. I told him (and myself) that I believed in him, and us. And we both said we loved each other. How can I love him if I can't trust him?
The resolution: I don't poke, and he won't lie (or vice-versa). If he says something is none'ya, it stays none'ya. And I accept that until it's not none'ya (we're building, and while I don't mind full disclosure, I can't expect everyone else to adhere to that standard....that's asking too much too early in the relationship). And honestly I respect him for that too. Oh, and the situation? That's still none'ya. However, he called me and apologized for lying about it after we'd resolved the whole thing...after the original apology and the initial makeup. He says it's still none'ya, and apologized for it being none'ya still, 'cause he knows that the only way we can build is to keep the none'ya's at a minimum, or actually share the none'ya's. And said he'd explain the situation as soon as he possibly could. I respect that too, especially since the apology came out of the blue.
So, we've cleared a small relationship hurdle. We've been through rough times, and are still going through them. But we rarely argue, and when we do, it's pretty significant. We addressed one of those relationship issues that can kill the relationship early, and fixed it before it really got broked-ded (that's so ghetto fabulous, but the word fits). We're going to be as honest as we can, so that there are no misunderstandings and no drama. And I feel pretty good about that.
BTW, JC was pretty worried about his not getting me a birthday present. He's going through some thangs, and I told him I wasn't concerned. But today, he gave me the best after-birthday present I could've received. Not his heart, that's great, but not nearly as nice as what he gave me today. He gave me his trust, and his confidence. And bared his soul. He said that "I'm not perfect, but I'm a damn good man, and I'm trying...". And that's so special, I couldn't want for more...
We had it out, JC & I. Finally. Now I have to be honest, I did something I probably shouldn't have. See, with neither of us being from here & both coming from a relatively small city, I'm used to being able to do a background check on anyone I date. Background check you say? Yes, I said background check...not criminal or from a PI. The old-fashioned kind, I call someone in my circle of family or friends, and they call someone in his circle, and then they give the information back to me. Like, is he married, or living with someone, etc. Since we're no longer in the small city, trying that did not work. So I poked into his business a different way, and found out something. I've actually known it a long time.
So I'd been subtly trying to get him to admit it. Ya know, leading questions to JC, asking him to be honest, telling him how I felt about the whole honesty issue. And here's how I feel: if you discuss a situation that may be something you'd normally not share with the person you're dating or trying to build with, even if they don't like the situation, they knew up front what they were getting into, so how much drama can they really cause? They have to at least respect you for being honest. Or at least that's how I look at it. So if you're married/involved/financially unstable/bisexual/etc, I at least have to respect you for telling me. And I know up front what I'm getting into. I can't bitch later about the situation...I knew about it up front & was allowed to choose whether I wanted to get into the situation. Makes sense, right?
Here's the problem: he wouldn't tell me. I knew the situation, but he kept avoiding telling me...until he finally lied about it. Mentally, I went "A-ha!!!". But I actually kept the whole thing close to the vest, thinking the truth will come to light later. It didn't. Actually, the lie began to eat at my ability to trust him. When we discussed other things not related to the situation, I looked for the companion lies. Y'all know that lies never come alone, right? Anyway, I either looked for holes in his other truths, or poked holes in them myself. Still, I kept the whole thing close to the vest.
Well, that little fib became weighty with time, along with the other perceived half-truths I felt went along with it. Until I felt that weight get a little too heavy, and decided enough was enough. I confronted him. For the record, JC & I have very similar temperments, and really bad tempers. We had a semi-blowout. Funny thing is, the biggest issue was not the situation I'd discovered...it was how I went about finding out about it. I didn't go through his wallet, or check his cell-phone/pager. But I did poke where I shouldn't have. And while his lie was pretty bad, my poking was just as bad, if not worse. I told him (and myself) that I believed in him, and us. And we both said we loved each other. How can I love him if I can't trust him?
The resolution: I don't poke, and he won't lie (or vice-versa). If he says something is none'ya, it stays none'ya. And I accept that until it's not none'ya (we're building, and while I don't mind full disclosure, I can't expect everyone else to adhere to that standard....that's asking too much too early in the relationship). And honestly I respect him for that too. Oh, and the situation? That's still none'ya. However, he called me and apologized for lying about it after we'd resolved the whole thing...after the original apology and the initial makeup. He says it's still none'ya, and apologized for it being none'ya still, 'cause he knows that the only way we can build is to keep the none'ya's at a minimum, or actually share the none'ya's. And said he'd explain the situation as soon as he possibly could. I respect that too, especially since the apology came out of the blue.
So, we've cleared a small relationship hurdle. We've been through rough times, and are still going through them. But we rarely argue, and when we do, it's pretty significant. We addressed one of those relationship issues that can kill the relationship early, and fixed it before it really got broked-ded (that's so ghetto fabulous, but the word fits). We're going to be as honest as we can, so that there are no misunderstandings and no drama. And I feel pretty good about that.
BTW, JC was pretty worried about his not getting me a birthday present. He's going through some thangs, and I told him I wasn't concerned. But today, he gave me the best after-birthday present I could've received. Not his heart, that's great, but not nearly as nice as what he gave me today. He gave me his trust, and his confidence. And bared his soul. He said that "I'm not perfect, but I'm a damn good man, and I'm trying...". And that's so special, I couldn't want for more...
Friday, May 17, 2002
spirituality
some mornings, I wake up & just feel blessed. blessed to be alive, blessed to see a beautiful sunrise, blessed to be able to take a breath....whewwwwwwwww...blessed to get to work safely, blessed that my kids are safe at school, blessed that I have a job to go to, blessed to realize from whence all that is possible. I'm not super religious, don't attend church like I should, and don't peddle religious tracts on unsuspecting victims.
but you know what: He whispered in my ear one day. Said "I am". And that was enough to convince me.
And when I became convinced, my life changed. I believe, it changed for the better. Doors opened for me that hadn't opened before, and I began to see myself in a new light. I accepted responsiblity for keeping my faith in Him, and for keeping my life on track. And He showed me what he wanted me to do. This didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't some destination I reached. It's a journey, and I'm still traveling.
It seems so simple now. It was just love, and the moment I began to love Him, I began to see the part of Him that lives within me. And I stopped wanting to engage in self-destructive behaviour. And I wanted to live the kind of life He wanted for me. And I wanted to be a perfect reflection of Him...to show the world the He that resides within me. I still wnat that, but again...that's part of the journey.
Ok, for all you naysayers...I thought about other explanations for all of the above. Free will & all that...me shaping my own destiny and giving the credit for my accomplishments to some "all-seeing, all-knowing" omnipotent being that I have no proof exists. yeah, I thought of that too. But I believe. When He whispered that to me, He touched my heart...and my heart had plenty of scar tissue that had to be sliced through in order for Him to reach me. But He did. And that's more than all the proof I need.
sometimes I think that he writes for me...cause I sat here & had every intention of writing a fluff piece about my straightened hair. Oh well, maybe later....
some mornings, I wake up & just feel blessed. blessed to be alive, blessed to see a beautiful sunrise, blessed to be able to take a breath....whewwwwwwwww...blessed to get to work safely, blessed that my kids are safe at school, blessed that I have a job to go to, blessed to realize from whence all that is possible. I'm not super religious, don't attend church like I should, and don't peddle religious tracts on unsuspecting victims.
but you know what: He whispered in my ear one day. Said "I am". And that was enough to convince me.
And when I became convinced, my life changed. I believe, it changed for the better. Doors opened for me that hadn't opened before, and I began to see myself in a new light. I accepted responsiblity for keeping my faith in Him, and for keeping my life on track. And He showed me what he wanted me to do. This didn't happen overnight, and it wasn't some destination I reached. It's a journey, and I'm still traveling.
It seems so simple now. It was just love, and the moment I began to love Him, I began to see the part of Him that lives within me. And I stopped wanting to engage in self-destructive behaviour. And I wanted to live the kind of life He wanted for me. And I wanted to be a perfect reflection of Him...to show the world the He that resides within me. I still wnat that, but again...that's part of the journey.
Ok, for all you naysayers...I thought about other explanations for all of the above. Free will & all that...me shaping my own destiny and giving the credit for my accomplishments to some "all-seeing, all-knowing" omnipotent being that I have no proof exists. yeah, I thought of that too. But I believe. When He whispered that to me, He touched my heart...and my heart had plenty of scar tissue that had to be sliced through in order for Him to reach me. But He did. And that's more than all the proof I need.
sometimes I think that he writes for me...cause I sat here & had every intention of writing a fluff piece about my straightened hair. Oh well, maybe later....
Friday, May 10, 2002
random acts of thought
PREFACE: JS, if you're reading this, I really don't mean anything I'm about to say maliciously, and I won't say squat that I wouldn't tell you to your face.
arrogance: JS called me out of the blue, and said he "missed" me. WHUUUTTT??!!! How can you miss what you've never had?! I appreciated the call, but uh, we've only met in cyberspace. Again, WHUUUTTT??!!!.
Ok, I just had to get that out first. Now, my second issue with JS: his arrogance. Mind you, this kid has stood me up twice, and made I don't know how many commitments to call me & not kept them. Frankly, he should be kissing my behind. But no, he sends me emails with home-made dinner requests, and wants them delivered to his house. Yeah, I'll do that...you just hold your breath, count to 11,000,000 and click your heels together and I'll be right there...
rants: I'm a lil sick (this week) of the following:
freaky a$$ big girls: I pulled up to my local Papa Johns, and here's this big, blonde-fade wearing, pierced chick showing off her latest tattoo in an area that should never see daylight, circled by a gang of brothas that wouldn't publicly admit letting her give them a blowjob. Damn. Excuse the vulgarity, but it was that ugly.
back-handed compliments: 2 examples. 1st - walking into the grocery, a brotha hollas "Damn, that's a whole lotta woman...". Then smiles. Why I didn't drop my panties & give him some right then, I'll never know. 2nd - Going thru the toll booth on my way home from work, the toll collector gives me my change, and says " I like your bo-dy" ( he had a pretty thick accent, so it came out as "baaah -deee"). Again, it was hard to pretty hard to resist him, but I managed...
arrogant men:of course, I want to be the most supportive, feminine creature of beauty that has ever walked the face of the earth, and that no man can resist. But if that involves me coming home from a hard day at work, cooking you a homecooked meal & delivering it...I'd rather be a stud. And if this were an isolated incident, it wouldn't be a rant. Ladies, stop believing the myths that the latest issue of Glamour/Mademoiselle/Elle/Allure/Redbook/Essense keeps feeding you..there are still good guys left, and you'd find them if you stop letting these other kids play you. You don't have to settle...you don't have to give up the booty...you don't have to pay them...you don't have to share them...sheesh...
bad poetry: just because you have DEEP THOUGHTS or can make two words rhyme...these things do not a poet make. I'm sick of porn-oetry (mental orgasms...heard it so many damn times it makes saying it's played seem trendy), nouveau consciousness (WATNMITH: why are there no mailboxes in the hood?...also trendy), dramatic-testimonies ( and the blood was as red, as the Eckõ shirt he wore when he flew my head....it just sucks...). You get the idea.
It's gotten so bad, I am almost determined to either write WATNMITH for real, and then go to some of these bourgie poetry readings and read it, record the response I get, then write a REAL poem about the responses...
Ok, brainfart's over... I'm gonna go write either WATNMITH, or servlets.
PREFACE: JS, if you're reading this, I really don't mean anything I'm about to say maliciously, and I won't say squat that I wouldn't tell you to your face.
arrogance: JS called me out of the blue, and said he "missed" me. WHUUUTTT??!!! How can you miss what you've never had?! I appreciated the call, but uh, we've only met in cyberspace. Again, WHUUUTTT??!!!.
Ok, I just had to get that out first. Now, my second issue with JS: his arrogance. Mind you, this kid has stood me up twice, and made I don't know how many commitments to call me & not kept them. Frankly, he should be kissing my behind. But no, he sends me emails with home-made dinner requests, and wants them delivered to his house. Yeah, I'll do that...you just hold your breath, count to 11,000,000 and click your heels together and I'll be right there...
rants: I'm a lil sick (this week) of the following:
freaky a$$ big girls: I pulled up to my local Papa Johns, and here's this big, blonde-fade wearing, pierced chick showing off her latest tattoo in an area that should never see daylight, circled by a gang of brothas that wouldn't publicly admit letting her give them a blowjob. Damn. Excuse the vulgarity, but it was that ugly.
back-handed compliments: 2 examples. 1st - walking into the grocery, a brotha hollas "Damn, that's a whole lotta woman...". Then smiles. Why I didn't drop my panties & give him some right then, I'll never know. 2nd - Going thru the toll booth on my way home from work, the toll collector gives me my change, and says " I like your bo-dy" ( he had a pretty thick accent, so it came out as "baaah -deee"). Again, it was hard to pretty hard to resist him, but I managed...
arrogant men:of course, I want to be the most supportive, feminine creature of beauty that has ever walked the face of the earth, and that no man can resist. But if that involves me coming home from a hard day at work, cooking you a homecooked meal & delivering it...I'd rather be a stud. And if this were an isolated incident, it wouldn't be a rant. Ladies, stop believing the myths that the latest issue of Glamour/Mademoiselle/Elle/Allure/Redbook/Essense keeps feeding you..there are still good guys left, and you'd find them if you stop letting these other kids play you. You don't have to settle...you don't have to give up the booty...you don't have to pay them...you don't have to share them...sheesh...
bad poetry: just because you have DEEP THOUGHTS or can make two words rhyme...these things do not a poet make. I'm sick of porn-oetry (mental orgasms...heard it so many damn times it makes saying it's played seem trendy), nouveau consciousness (WATNMITH: why are there no mailboxes in the hood?...also trendy), dramatic-testimonies ( and the blood was as red, as the Eckõ shirt he wore when he flew my head....it just sucks...). You get the idea.
It's gotten so bad, I am almost determined to either write WATNMITH for real, and then go to some of these bourgie poetry readings and read it, record the response I get, then write a REAL poem about the responses...
Ok, brainfart's over... I'm gonna go write either WATNMITH, or servlets.
Monday, May 06, 2002
boredom is setting in...
yes, i wanted a man. yes, i made a list of 10 must-have qualities for that man to have. yes, i put a lot of thought into each one. yes, i tried to make them as meaningful as possible, and yes, i left shallow things like a dresscode, and baldheadedness off. yes, JC has all 10. yes, i do care about him deeply. yes, i believe he cares about me too.
and yes, i know that the devil, or my insecurities always wreak havoc at this point in any relationship. you know, the period between: i-don't-trust-him-worth-a-damn and we're-in-this-for-the-rest-of-it(whatever "it" is). we've already talked about that. this ain't that.
it's number 3 that's the problem: ambition. i asked for someone as driven as i, so that issues like me working late, or being in class wouldn't interfere with our relationship. i wanted that person to come to me whole, with their own identity, and their own life. i wanted it all, my life, his life, and our lives to merge (at some point) so we could enjoy our times apart as much as our times together.
that ain't happenin'. what is happenin' is that i'm getting bored, because he's busier than i. so i've been on the trust seesaw: resentful of the amount of time HE spends workin', or doubting whether he's actually at work as much as he says he is. i love it when i'm with him. it's just that it happens so rarely that i'm slowly losing interest. i can't fall in love with a ghost, or in love with the idea of being in love. not again, anyway. how do i tell him that without hurting him? he's fully aware of the problem, addressed it before i even realized it was an issue. he told me if it happened it wouldn't be the first time. he's doing as much as he can to get to the point where we can spend time together. and i want the same. i just want it before i get completely tired of sleeping with my cellphone.
i said belief, not faith. and i promised myself i would give him that. he's trying, so i have to do the same. ok...lift your head to the sky, and keep trying..believe in love..and it will take you higher
yes, i wanted a man. yes, i made a list of 10 must-have qualities for that man to have. yes, i put a lot of thought into each one. yes, i tried to make them as meaningful as possible, and yes, i left shallow things like a dresscode, and baldheadedness off. yes, JC has all 10. yes, i do care about him deeply. yes, i believe he cares about me too.
and yes, i know that the devil, or my insecurities always wreak havoc at this point in any relationship. you know, the period between: i-don't-trust-him-worth-a-damn and we're-in-this-for-the-rest-of-it(whatever "it" is). we've already talked about that. this ain't that.
it's number 3 that's the problem: ambition. i asked for someone as driven as i, so that issues like me working late, or being in class wouldn't interfere with our relationship. i wanted that person to come to me whole, with their own identity, and their own life. i wanted it all, my life, his life, and our lives to merge (at some point) so we could enjoy our times apart as much as our times together.
that ain't happenin'. what is happenin' is that i'm getting bored, because he's busier than i. so i've been on the trust seesaw: resentful of the amount of time HE spends workin', or doubting whether he's actually at work as much as he says he is. i love it when i'm with him. it's just that it happens so rarely that i'm slowly losing interest. i can't fall in love with a ghost, or in love with the idea of being in love. not again, anyway. how do i tell him that without hurting him? he's fully aware of the problem, addressed it before i even realized it was an issue. he told me if it happened it wouldn't be the first time. he's doing as much as he can to get to the point where we can spend time together. and i want the same. i just want it before i get completely tired of sleeping with my cellphone.
i said belief, not faith. and i promised myself i would give him that. he's trying, so i have to do the same. ok...lift your head to the sky, and keep trying..believe in love..and it will take you higher
Saturday, May 04, 2002
I'm gonna kick Sadat's a$$...
Ya know, I love my friends, but they really try me sometimes. Sadat called me at 5AM to tell me he was going to catch the bus ova hea. Why? I have no earthly idea. More than likely, he'd just gotten in from a club and wanted some company. Strictly platonic...Sadat is a former backup plan but he's recently returned to his manwhore status, and I ain't joining the harem. ANYWAY, his fine a$$ ain't showed up yet, and I've been up ever since. He has an a$$-whoopin coming.
Again, I love all my friends, but what kind of crap is that?
A thought....I love my friends, all of whom (for the most part) happen to be ex's or potentials just waiting to happen. I wonder how my sweetie will feel about all that once he meets them. Hm......
Ya know, I love my friends, but they really try me sometimes. Sadat called me at 5AM to tell me he was going to catch the bus ova hea. Why? I have no earthly idea. More than likely, he'd just gotten in from a club and wanted some company. Strictly platonic...Sadat is a former backup plan but he's recently returned to his manwhore status, and I ain't joining the harem. ANYWAY, his fine a$$ ain't showed up yet, and I've been up ever since. He has an a$$-whoopin coming.
Again, I love all my friends, but what kind of crap is that?
A thought....I love my friends, all of whom (for the most part) happen to be ex's or potentials just waiting to happen. I wonder how my sweetie will feel about all that once he meets them. Hm......
Friday, May 03, 2002
:-O he's having a baby?!!!
I was gonna blog about shame & regret, but SG told me he's gonna be a proud papa in the fall. I'm completely floored. See, SG was my backup plan...I was really hoping to wear him down into putting a ring on my finger. damn...damn..damn, james!!!!
I don't know if I'd mentioned SG, but I've always thought SG was a hottie. He's sexy in a "I'm intelligent and confident with myself" kinda way. You know, willing to show his flaws, cause he's acknowledged them and KNOWS that he's still a hottie regardless..and even willing to let a few of his insecurities show. A real, true brotha, and a definite life-partner kind of catch. Yes, I'd tried to get at him, but he was never really feeling me like that, and I think he was just too nice to tell me that. So we're really good friends, and I openly lust after him at every opportunity I get...or used to that is. DAMN.
I'm happy for him, and K (the lucky lady). I'd really like to see him settled... I think he'll make an excellent dad, and husband ( 'cause he will one day get married, and he SO obviously cares a lot about her). But I can't front...sweetie or no sweetie, I am a lil jealous. SG was my backup plan. It SO sucks to be me. DAMN.
Ok, so I have a a sweetie...BTW, I do luv u sweetie. But a sista DOES need a backup plan...looks like I'm taking applications again.
Mental note: to all the sistas too. Men's insecurities are greater than ours..they're more sensitive..they feel as strongly and passionately as we do and just try to hide it better. They want the same things that we want, and are hurt just as we are. I have really good guy friends that have taught me SO much about love & lust & life & all those things that should be important to us all, and SG is just one of them. I only wish (regret?) that I'd figured this out earlier in life.
I was gonna blog about shame & regret, but SG told me he's gonna be a proud papa in the fall. I'm completely floored. See, SG was my backup plan...I was really hoping to wear him down into putting a ring on my finger. damn...damn..damn, james!!!!
I don't know if I'd mentioned SG, but I've always thought SG was a hottie. He's sexy in a "I'm intelligent and confident with myself" kinda way. You know, willing to show his flaws, cause he's acknowledged them and KNOWS that he's still a hottie regardless..and even willing to let a few of his insecurities show. A real, true brotha, and a definite life-partner kind of catch. Yes, I'd tried to get at him, but he was never really feeling me like that, and I think he was just too nice to tell me that. So we're really good friends, and I openly lust after him at every opportunity I get...or used to that is. DAMN.
I'm happy for him, and K (the lucky lady). I'd really like to see him settled... I think he'll make an excellent dad, and husband ( 'cause he will one day get married, and he SO obviously cares a lot about her). But I can't front...sweetie or no sweetie, I am a lil jealous. SG was my backup plan. It SO sucks to be me. DAMN.
Ok, so I have a a sweetie...BTW, I do luv u sweetie. But a sista DOES need a backup plan...looks like I'm taking applications again.
Mental note: to all the sistas too. Men's insecurities are greater than ours..they're more sensitive..they feel as strongly and passionately as we do and just try to hide it better. They want the same things that we want, and are hurt just as we are. I have really good guy friends that have taught me SO much about love & lust & life & all those things that should be important to us all, and SG is just one of them. I only wish (regret?) that I'd figured this out earlier in life.
Friday, April 26, 2002
shame & regret
Some years back, yet not very long ago, I was involved in an abusive relationship. My abuser was my lover, and I thought my future husband. My fiance abused me mentally, and physically but most devastatingly emotionally. He found all my weaknesses, and when it served his purposes, he used them to manipulate me.
The physical abuse came first, and I laid the blame for that squarely on the shoulders of my abuser. However, as time passed and the abuse continued, I began to assume my share of the responsibility for it. After all I allowed it to happen, I provoked him, I just didn't know when to leave him alone, I had to help him help himself, I was just as responsible for what was happening (funny how that emotional manipulation can twist your head...).
Eventually, I was so consumed with my own guilt in the matter, that I naturally progressed to my second lover shame. It was destiny really...the physical scars had to have their emotional counterpart and shame was it. shame and I became very intimate. shame was my constant companion. shame went with me wherever I went: to work, to my house, to family gatherings, to church. And I was a possessive, jealous lover...no one could ever know the whole reality of what was going on. I was a strong person, I had it together...how could I share my shame and let my co-workers, fellow church members and friends know what was going on? But I had my shame, and damned if I didn't hold on to it, and the remnants of my relationship. Flawed as it was, I couldn't let it or shame go.
I eventually discovered other things about my fiance that I just couldn't bear. Apparently the abuse wasn't enough to make me leave, and that's another story in itself. But after it was over, I still had shame. Then came my third lover, regret. shame filled the space my lover left, preventing me from even considering another relationship. regret just seconded that emotion. I was filled with regret: regret for meeting my fiance, regret for becoming involved, regret for hanging on for as long as I did, regret for the time and energy I spent on that farce. I even regretted that I couldn't find him the help he needed. It was crippling.
There were times that I'd get dressed, fix my hair, put on makeup, drive to work, work all day, and go home...and all I could really remember is being enshrouded in shame & regret. They bathed me, clothed me, fixed my hair, forced me to keep up the semblance of sanity...otherwise I'd just lay in the bed and cry all day.
I'd love to say that suddenly my knight in shining armor rode up & swept me away, but this is reality, and that didn't happen. And there was no epiphany. What really happened is that God (slowly and in small doses) revealed to me who I was, and what He meant for me to do. Okay, I'm not one of your bible-thumping, every Sunday service Christians. But I believe. And I know He sent angels to me, in the form of co-workers and friends, when I needed them most. They shared things with me, basic spiritual truths, and stories of hardships they'd endured, to let me know that even what I'd been through would pass. They never knew, and still don't know all that I went through. They shared because they knew the many meanings of grace, and were moved to share that with me. They never preached, never mentioned His name. Yet they explained the things they'd been through, and how they made it through. And that was all I needed. Now I know, that was just God using them as a vessel, to give me the lessons I needed to learn. Even my abuser was a lesson I needed to learn, to appreciate real love whenever I came across it again. I've forgiven him, and that forgiveness helped me forgive myself.
And my lovers, shame & regret? Eventually, I sent them packing. Which brings me back to my road rage problem. When I sent them packing, they went far away. So even when it'd be healthy for me to have a large dose of shame, he's loooonnnggg gone.
Funny, I didn't mean to get into a discussion about my spirituality...and I really didn't mean to cry like a baby when talking about how God saved me. But I did, and it feels good to get it out. I really hope that one day my story will help someone in a similar situation get through it
I don't have a witty one liner to end this one...and I've got to go make some phone calls to tell some folks exactly how much they mean to me.
Thursday, April 25, 2002
Wednesday, April 24, 2002
road rage
I threw a bottle out my car window at a truck that was tailgating me.
Well, technically at the driver, although I did it out of my sunroof without really aiming, so the chances of it hitting him were pretty slim.
Still, that (hopefully) meansthat my road rage has reached its peak wait, scratch that. Who am I kidding? It means that my road rage is teetering toward a dark chasm that will lead to either:
It wasn't a Smuggy this time either. Go figure. It was just some random act of offensive driving, which just ticked me off 'cause I'd had a rough day. I'd be lying if I said I'm sorry...I really hope I scared the crap outta him. The bottle was plastic, and empty....but I made my point..he changed lanes.
I don't show any remorse at all, do I? I've had a hard time with that....it's tied directly to my feelings about shame & regret.
Mental note: shame & regret warrant a day of their own. I declare 04/26/02 shame & regret day with their own blog thread that will follow. Stay tuned.
Damn, I had a really catchy topic before all that happened. great...another 3:50AM epiphany......
I threw a bottle out my car window at a truck that was tailgating me.
Well, technically at the driver, although I did it out of my sunroof without really aiming, so the chances of it hitting him were pretty slim.
Still, that (hopefully) means
- the wallet-drain mobile wrapped around some other vehicle, and me less some $$$
- me, beating the crap out of some poor unsuspecting a$$-dragger/tailgater
- a wonderful encounter with our nation's Finest, with would at least lead to a court-date and and me less some $$$
It wasn't a Smuggy this time either. Go figure. It was just some random act of offensive driving, which just ticked me off 'cause I'd had a rough day. I'd be lying if I said I'm sorry...I really hope I scared the crap outta him. The bottle was plastic, and empty....but I made my point..he changed lanes.
I don't show any remorse at all, do I? I've had a hard time with that....it's tied directly to my feelings about shame & regret.
Mental note: shame & regret warrant a day of their own. I declare 04/26/02 shame & regret day with their own blog thread that will follow. Stay tuned.
Damn, I had a really catchy topic before all that happened. great...another 3:50AM epiphany......
March 22nd, 2002
Things done changed.
I have a man.
A good man.
A man who appreciates me for who I am,
and whom I appreciate for who he is
(and I don`t care if that`s grammatically correct).
While I have NOT deleted my dating profile,
and I`m still looking at my notes occasionally,
it ain`t a priority.
No, we`re not married, or engaged...so I CAN still look.
However, I`m giving him the most important thing
a foundling relationship can warrant:
belief.
Not faith, which implies believing in something unearned, or unwarranted.
Belief, based on our actions together,
and the hope that things will continue as they are.
I believe that he is very special, and deserves to be treated as such.
I hate to be corny, and quote Jill, but "He loves me..."
So, brothas...fine as you are...as many notes as you choose to send...and while I still appreciate them...the response may NOT be forthcoming. Hate if ya want to(although why anyone would waste the energy to drop me a nasty note questioning my motives is beyond me)...I`m letting this thang play itself out. Oh yeah...if it turns out badly, I`ll change back my status, and append this page with the gory details. I have no problem highlighting & making light of my mistakes. BUT...I think we`ve got potential, and that`s too precious to squander.
Yes, you can still
apply here and if you`re exceptional, I`ll still hit you back.
I said we`re not married, yet ;-)
Things done changed.
I have a man.
A good man.
A man who appreciates me for who I am,
and whom I appreciate for who he is
(and I don`t care if that`s grammatically correct).
While I have NOT deleted my dating profile,
and I`m still looking at my notes occasionally,
it ain`t a priority.
No, we`re not married, or engaged...so I CAN still look.
However, I`m giving him the most important thing
a foundling relationship can warrant:
belief.
Not faith, which implies believing in something unearned, or unwarranted.
Belief, based on our actions together,
and the hope that things will continue as they are.
I believe that he is very special, and deserves to be treated as such.
I hate to be corny, and quote Jill, but "He loves me..."
So, brothas...fine as you are...as many notes as you choose to send...and while I still appreciate them...the response may NOT be forthcoming. Hate if ya want to(although why anyone would waste the energy to drop me a nasty note questioning my motives is beyond me)...I`m letting this thang play itself out. Oh yeah...if it turns out badly, I`ll change back my status, and append this page with the gory details. I have no problem highlighting & making light of my mistakes. BUT...I think we`ve got potential, and that`s too precious to squander.
Yes, you can still
apply here and if you`re exceptional, I`ll still hit you back.
I said we`re not married, yet ;-)
Tuesday, April 23, 2002
I'm so trife...
TJ called and painfully reminded that yes, I do still have a blog. I love TJ, he's been one of my best friends since high school, and he wasn't being mean. He said he checks it occasionally to keep up with me, and that he thought it was pretty cool. Since I'm horrible about calling or writing, it's an outlet. And since my life is kinda hectic of late, I figured it's best to maintain for the time being...even if my blogs are 3 months apart. Damn.
So forgive me if the dates don't match...I'm backtracking some info I should posted long ago. Eeeps!
TJ called and painfully reminded that yes, I do still have a blog. I love TJ, he's been one of my best friends since high school, and he wasn't being mean. He said he checks it occasionally to keep up with me, and that he thought it was pretty cool. Since I'm horrible about calling or writing, it's an outlet. And since my life is kinda hectic of late, I figured it's best to maintain for the time being...even if my blogs are 3 months apart. Damn.
So forgive me if the dates don't match...I'm backtracking some info I should posted long ago. Eeeps!
Monday, January 21, 2002
radiation...
I sat at a table in my local Starbucks yesterday afternoon, next to three tables of young women writers. Beautiful, energetic, excited, passionate, intelligent, motivated women...some natural headed, or dreaded, adorned in silver and cowrie shells...some permed, perfectly coiffed, or wrapped...in the latest prada or kate spade, and a lil platinum jewelry...but all radiating this...light. There was a marketing exec, a graphic designer, a grad student, a lawyer, a social worker....all seemed to have achieved a certain level of what they perceived to be success in their chosen field. The were all radiant....in their self-awareness, confidence....passion.
Folks came & left....buying coffee, making casual conversation...but they all, male & female, young & old, seemed to be attracted to that light. The sistas asked that I capture the moment, on digital technology for them, and I happily obliged, grateful to share that moment with them briefly. The crowded together, multi-hued, wrapped in multi-colors and smiled...and shined. As I took the picture, a tall, attractive brother holding a tall gingerbread latte asked if I wasn't supposed to be in that picture with them, and if he could assist? How flattered...how blessed....how can I describe how I felt? I thanked him & said no, captured the moment digitally, and in my memory. And stopped for a moment to think how blessed I was.
I like to think of that light that these sistas radiated, as the God within them..the God within me...the God that resides within all of us. I'm so blessed that I know that He's real, and that I accepted Him into my heart, that I know enough to subject my will to His, and am able to follow His plan. And if I resembled those sistas even a little bit..even a smidgen.....I'm grateful for that as well.
Now, if I can only stop assigning these corny titles to every blog....
I sat at a table in my local Starbucks yesterday afternoon, next to three tables of young women writers. Beautiful, energetic, excited, passionate, intelligent, motivated women...some natural headed, or dreaded, adorned in silver and cowrie shells...some permed, perfectly coiffed, or wrapped...in the latest prada or kate spade, and a lil platinum jewelry...but all radiating this...light. There was a marketing exec, a graphic designer, a grad student, a lawyer, a social worker....all seemed to have achieved a certain level of what they perceived to be success in their chosen field. The were all radiant....in their self-awareness, confidence....passion.
Folks came & left....buying coffee, making casual conversation...but they all, male & female, young & old, seemed to be attracted to that light. The sistas asked that I capture the moment, on digital technology for them, and I happily obliged, grateful to share that moment with them briefly. The crowded together, multi-hued, wrapped in multi-colors and smiled...and shined. As I took the picture, a tall, attractive brother holding a tall gingerbread latte asked if I wasn't supposed to be in that picture with them, and if he could assist? How flattered...how blessed....how can I describe how I felt? I thanked him & said no, captured the moment digitally, and in my memory. And stopped for a moment to think how blessed I was.
I like to think of that light that these sistas radiated, as the God within them..the God within me...the God that resides within all of us. I'm so blessed that I know that He's real, and that I accepted Him into my heart, that I know enough to subject my will to His, and am able to follow His plan. And if I resembled those sistas even a little bit..even a smidgen.....I'm grateful for that as well.
Now, if I can only stop assigning these corny titles to every blog....
Monday, January 14, 2002
...it's been a long time...
not to quote hip-hop classics, but that's apt. I swear, I keep vowing to not just blog when something's bothering me, but it never happens that way. Anyway....
Today's topic: romance...not even gonna try and make it cute, or witty. Just the straight, uncut truth.
There was a guy, that loved me unconditionally. And not only accepted me for what I was, but saw in me the potential to be....more. Not in a negative way, he just believed that I was too intelligent not to do big things. He was my friend & my lover. But, neither of us was ready for a commitment. Him, being the more mature person...did the right thing & backed off...because he knew that we couldn't be halfway. We needed to separate, so that neither of us got hurt. I, being....selfish? ( I didn't think so at the time)...I tried to force his hand, and when that didn't work, I tried to ignore his feelings. I ....I broke his heart. Not once, or twice...but three times that I know of. Twice in succession..within a span of 6 months.
Why do I even bring this up now? Because I still love him. He's still my friend. And given a chance, I'd be with him. But it'll never happen. I was so stupid, selfish....self-involved..and naive. And now that I know better, it's too late. I can preserve the friendship...we'll always have that. In a way, that's more important than anything.
Yeah, I try to convince myself that's true. But what we had was precious. It WAS real, and honest..and pure. And I'm scared...that I'll never find that again. You don't come across a love that's truly genuine & unconditional everyday. I know that's how it's supposed to be, but if that were the case, there wouldn't be so many of us out there, looking for someone who's real, and not about playing games. I had that one true love , and I squandered it. And I can't get it back.
How many times can you hurt a person before they forget whatever was good between you...and focus on the fact you caused them pain? And is there a way to ever get past that?
Enough whining. It was a long time ago...I need to get over it.
Oh, and yeah...it's safe to say that JS is a wash (who knew?), JC is a wash ( well, that's been apparent for a while). Gosh, it takes a huge effort just to get me to like someone, and have more than a passing interest. Love? I believe (not beginning to believe, that would make it seem to be a recent development, and it's so obviously not) that Love is beyond me.
I wish to bid this Shakesperian tragedy, adieu...
not to quote hip-hop classics, but that's apt. I swear, I keep vowing to not just blog when something's bothering me, but it never happens that way. Anyway....
Today's topic: romance...not even gonna try and make it cute, or witty. Just the straight, uncut truth.
There was a guy, that loved me unconditionally. And not only accepted me for what I was, but saw in me the potential to be....more. Not in a negative way, he just believed that I was too intelligent not to do big things. He was my friend & my lover. But, neither of us was ready for a commitment. Him, being the more mature person...did the right thing & backed off...because he knew that we couldn't be halfway. We needed to separate, so that neither of us got hurt. I, being....selfish? ( I didn't think so at the time)...I tried to force his hand, and when that didn't work, I tried to ignore his feelings. I ....I broke his heart. Not once, or twice...but three times that I know of. Twice in succession..within a span of 6 months.
Why do I even bring this up now? Because I still love him. He's still my friend. And given a chance, I'd be with him. But it'll never happen. I was so stupid, selfish....self-involved..and naive. And now that I know better, it's too late. I can preserve the friendship...we'll always have that. In a way, that's more important than anything.
Yeah, I try to convince myself that's true. But what we had was precious. It WAS real, and honest..and pure. And I'm scared...that I'll never find that again. You don't come across a love that's truly genuine & unconditional everyday. I know that's how it's supposed to be, but if that were the case, there wouldn't be so many of us out there, looking for someone who's real, and not about playing games. I had that one true love , and I squandered it. And I can't get it back.
How many times can you hurt a person before they forget whatever was good between you...and focus on the fact you caused them pain? And is there a way to ever get past that?
Enough whining. It was a long time ago...I need to get over it.
Oh, and yeah...it's safe to say that JS is a wash (who knew?), JC is a wash ( well, that's been apparent for a while). Gosh, it takes a huge effort just to get me to like someone, and have more than a passing interest. Love? I believe (not beginning to believe, that would make it seem to be a recent development, and it's so obviously not) that Love is beyond me.
I wish to bid this Shakesperian tragedy, adieu...
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